Title: Angel and the Seven Slayers
Angel and the Seven Slayers
Once upon a time, in the far away (or not so far away, depending on where you live) land of Ireland, a vampire named Darla turned a handsome young man. The vampire Angelus was a cruel and terrible demon, and left a wake of destruction and despair wherever he went.
Until one day, when a gypsy family whose lives he had ruined decided that his reign of terror had gone on long enough, and they laid a Curse upon him. They returned his human soul. Angelus became Angel.
Now, you may not think that this was a very terrible Curse, in fact, it might be a blessing. But to Angel, it was the worst Curse that could ever be invented. Because, after over a hundred years of terrorizing mankind, he suddenly felt all the human guilt, all the human remorse that Angelus would have felt had he not been a soulless monster.
For days, Angel could not even move. He sat shivering in the crypt where he had been hiding when the Curse took effect. Then, after seven days and seven nights of suffering, Angel rose to greet the light of day, and his death.
But as his hand reached for the door of the crypt, he found he could not open it. For with his human soul, he had also been given a thread of human Hope. A Hope that one day, he might know the same happiness and joy he could just barely remember as a child. And Angel held tight to that Hope, not sure whether it was a blessing or a curse.
So he lived (or rather, didn't live) on, hiding from humans and feeding from rats and other vermin, holding on to his Hope, overwhelmed by his remorse. And he was Very Miserable.
Now, in the almost one hundred and fifty years that Angelus had wreaked havoc on the earth, he had created many other vampires. The oldest and most powerful of these was called Spike. He was almost as cruel as his sire and took special delight in killing vampire slayers, those chosen few who protected mankind from demons like him.
Spike was also a very vain vampire, as are many old and powerful evil vampires. However, unlike some of those vampires, Spike was somewhat justified in his vanity, for he was very... hot—I mean, handsome. Spike was particularly proud of his hair, which was an alarming blond color, and which he kept slicked back with a particularly pungent poultice of pomade, or rather, brilliantine.
Every day (or every night, rather), Spike would walk over to his prized possession, a magic mirror, and would say, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's got the best hair of them all?" (He had to ask since he couldn't see his reflection.) And the mirror would reply, "'Course it's you, mate." (Spike never realized the mirror was making fun of his accent—he thought the mirror always talked that way.)
And so Spike would go out and terrorize the populace, convinced that he looked as killer as he was.
Until one day, not long ago, late in the twentieth century. You see, by this time, hair care technology had, thankfully, advanced well past brilliantine. Angel had finally discovered these new hair care products, and his hair got better and better every day.
And so, on that fateful day, Spike asked the mirror, as usual, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's got the best hair of them all?" But this time, the mirror replied, "Sorry, mate, it's Angel now." To which Spike replied with an astonished, "Bloody hell," using language that really shouldn't be used in a fairy tale.
And so Spike went in search of Angel, and he saw that, indeed, Angel's hair was beyond fantastic (but he himself was still Very Miserable). Spike, however, did not care about Angel's misery; he only wanted to know how Angel did his hair. But Spike couldn't figure out whether it was mousse, spray, gel, glaze, witchcraft, or a combination of all five. So Spike decided the easiest thing to do was to kill Angel. He gathered together all his minions, and told them all that he would bountifully reward the one who could put a stake through Angel's heart, for then Angel would turn into a pile of dust, and even Lyle Lovett has better hair than a pile of dust. Or maybe not.
Fortunately, Spike's minions were no match for Angel, but Angel grew tired of fighting off crowds of vampires every night, and so he fled.
He fled, without realizing it, directly to the Hellmouth, which happened to be located in the extremely inappropriately named California town of Sunnydale. Here, he found more vampires than ever, and he was about to leave, until one night he saw a dark-haired human boy drive a stake through the heart of a vampire that tried to attack him. Intrigued, Angel followed the boy all the way to the local high school. Because Angel was uninvited, he could not enter, but he soon realized that the boy was going to the only room in the school that was still lit: the Library. So Angel carefully walked up to the Library's windows to see what he could see.
Unfortunately, a vampire was lurking in the shadows, and took advantage Angel's distraction. Angel was only just able to dodge the stake aimed at his heart.
The Library's occupants, alarmed by the sounds of battle outside, all went to the windows to see what was going on. Angel heard one of the windows creak open.
"Hey, tall, dark, and under attack," he heard the dark-haired boy calling to him, "get inside!"
Angel gave an impressive swinging kick to the face which sent his attacker staggering back, and made a dive for the open window. Once he was through, a blond girl leveled a crossbow at the attacking vampire outside and fired. The bolt pierced its heart and it turned to a pile of dust.
It was then that Angel met the Seven Slayers of Sunnydale: Deadly, Witchy, Bitchy, Wolfy, Snarky, Psycho, and Doc—I mean, Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, Oz, Xander, Faith, and Giles. And actually, only Buffy and Faith were slayers, and Giles was Buffy's watcher, and for some reason Psycho—I mean, Faith—didn't have a watcher, but work with me here.
The Seven Slayers were naturally rather alarmed that Angel was a vampire, but Clingy—I mean, Buffy—declared that no one so unbelievably gorgeous as Cryptic—she meant, Angel—could be all that bad. And the other Six Slayers acquiesced. Well, actually, Laconic—I mean, Oz—said nothing, and Snarky—I mean, Xander—just stared with hate in his eyes. You see, not long ago, a vampire had killed Xander's friend Jesse—I mean, wait, I do mean Jesse—and Xander was none too happy about it.
So Angel decided to help the Seven Slayers in their fight against evil. However, rather than becoming a maid service, as Snow White might have done, he used his strength and talents to aid them, because if you think about it, it is rather helpful to have a vampire on your side when you're trying to fight vampires.
Working with the Seven Slayers made Angel's Hope grow, but the hate in Xander's eyes still made him Very Miserable.
Meanwhile, Spike was growing Furious. Angel just refused to have a bad hair day. So Spike decided that rather than killing Angel he would exact an even more terrible revenge: he would make sure that Angel's hair would be bad forever. So Spike found out where Angel was, and disguised himself as a harmless old woman, because that was the absolute last thing that anyone would guess that Spike would disguise himself as.
Spike approached Angel at the Bronze on a very crowded night, so that Angel might not notice that the harmless old woman that Spike was supposed to be didn't have a heartbeat.
Angel might not have noticed anyway, because he was too busy taking advantage of Clingy's—I mean, Buffy's—unusual absence to stare forlornly across the room at Hottie—I mean, Xander—who was desperately trying to get any of his friends to pay any attention to him.
Spike introduced herself to Angel as a representative from the blood bank, and offered him a free sample of a new line of cow's blood.
"How do you know about me?" asked Angel, forgetting that it was bizarre that the blood bank would track him down at the Bronze and that their representative would be a harmless old woman.
"Know about you?" said the harmless old woman, cackling like a vampire who was trying to make his voice sound like a harmless old woman's. "You're our best customer!"
So with a sigh, and another glance across the room at Hottie (you know who I mean), Angel accepted the packet of blood and bit into it.
Now, this packet of blood was of course a poisoned packet of blood that would make Angel fall asleep until he was kissed by his True Love. Spike, having no concept of True Love, figured that this was essentially forever. And so, just before Angel fell to the floor, Spike poured his nasty, stinking brilliantine all over Angel's head and grievously mussed his hair.
With a shout of triumph, Spike tore off his silly costume and fled from the Bronze before Deadly—I mean, Buffy—or any of her friends could catch him.
So the Six Slayers present at the Bronze gathered Angel up and carried him to the Library. Well, except for Snarky—I mean, Xander—who wanted nothing to do with Fang Face (by which he meant, Angel). At the Library, they asked Bookworm—I mean, Giles—for help. So he went to his books to try to find what Spike might have done to Angel. By this time, Deadly/Clingy had become Weepy, not so much because Angel was poisoned or because his hair was mussed, but because he wasn't paying any attention to her anymore.
For days, Mr. I-Call-An-Elevator-A-Lift—I mean, Giles—couldn't find anything. So they took Angel to his apartment and laid him out on his bed, and you-know-who visited him every day and was all Weepy and Clingy all over him. Snarky—I mean, Xander—just crossed his arms and said that Gel Head (by which he of course meant, Angel) had only gotten what he had deserved.
Eventually, Mr. And-I-Call-A-Truck-A-Lorry—I mean, Giles—found the spell that Spike had used to poison the packet of blood. So Clingy—I mean, Buffy—convinced that she was Angel's True Love (after all, in her mind, she was everyone's True Love) and that her kiss would awaken Angel from his sleep, ran over to Angel's apartment and began to play smash-mouth with him. When nothing happened, Clingy became Offended, and almost staked Angel, blaming him, in her self-centered way, for the fact that she was not his True Love. Eventually, she quit being Offended and went back to being just Deadly, which was her job anyway.
So time passed, and dust began to gather in the brilliantine in Angel's hair, which made it even worse. Spike couldn't have been more pleased.
However, in this time, Snarky—I mean, Xander—began to feel that something was missing. He realized that he missed taunting Deadboy—he meant, Angel—and that he missed seeing Angel, even when Clingy was draped all over him. Even Bitchy noticed that Dorky—she meant, Xander—was acting more like Pensive, which had been Angel's job. So he decided that he would go and visit Angel's apartment, not because he was gay or anything, but just because he missed his old friend.
When he looked on Angel's sleeping form, he was struck speechless with horror by the condition of Angel's hair, and he knew that Angel would never want to face eternity that way. So, with Love in his heart (although he didn't realize it), he carefully lifted Angel up and carried him to the bathroom. There, he used the various very expensive hair care products (available only in salons) to restore Angel's hair to its former glory. He washed Angel's hair several times with botanical shampoos, enjoying the opportunity to gently massage Angel's scalp. He applied a gentle conditioner, which brought Angel's hair back from completely dead to just undead. Finally, he applied the meticulous series of ointments and incantations that made Angel's extraordinary hair style.
By the time he got Angel back to his bed, Questioning—I mean, Xander—found that he had enjoyed the experience of being close to Angel so much that he thought he might really be gay. And in fact, he couldn't resist leaning down to lay a soft kiss on those gorgeous lips....
Suddenly, Angel came to life (or rather, undeath) beneath him and was kissing back. And neither stopped. The kiss went on for what seemed like hours, and yet when they pulled back, it was too soon. As they looked into each other's eyes, they both knew that they had found True Love, that Angel's Hope had been fulfilled, and that Angel's Curse had become a Blessing.
It was of course only a matter of time before the others found out, and they were variously Perturbed (Bitchy), Shocked (Doc), Amazed (Psycho), and Livid (guess who that was). Willow, who had been Suspicious, was now Happy, and Oz was still Laconic. Eventually, the other four got over it, and directed their attention to battling Irate, which is what Spike had become after Angel and Xander had foiled his plan. And they had many more adventures, but that's another story....